How to heal from a toxic ex
Many of the clients that I work with 1to1 as a Coach and Emotional healing expert and in my online courses have been affected by a toxic ex.
All break ups are hard, but this one can be particularly devastating, leaving you wondering if you could ever heal enough to consider dating again and building trust in someone again.
Soulmates often bring in the hardest lessons
In her book, “The Soulmate Myth – A dream come true or your worst nightmare?”, Judy Hall describes a soulmate as “A soul companion who helps us to grow….This is the person who applies a spiritual brillo pad to scour our soul to remove the encrustations of karmic and emotional patterning that have prevented us from moving into our full potential”.
My own experiences of toxic soulmate relationships certainly “scoured my soul”. One of them turned into a very emotionally abusive relationship, with a man that acted in a very emotionally immature, selfish, arrogant and judgemental way. He seemed to want his own way all the time, was always trying to get something from me to advance himself in some way (e.g. his career) and was very uncomfortable with me doing well at anything, so he seemed to prefer it if I “stayed small’, as opposed to fulfilling my potential. The person I had been so lovingly committed and loyal to was not a very loving person at all. He was rude and aggressive, was very judgemental of others, extremely materialistic and completely self-centred. He had been through very traumatic experiences in his childhood and never took the time to process and heal from it.
A few years later, as I was studying for my Coaching and healing qualifications, I came across the term “narcissist” and it was a perfect fit.
It took me years to heal from all that happened during that relationship. At a psychic reading around that time, the reader said to me “It is as if you have been so badly hurt, that you have removed your heart, locked it in a box and put it high up on a shelf, so that no one can ever hurt you in that way ever again”. I certainly felt at that time that it would be so much easier to just be on my own, than to open to love again and learn to trust someone again.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
As Dr.Judith Orloff’s tells us in her book Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life:
“Narcissists are master manipulators and know exactly how to trigger your weaknesses. They can make you fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you’re giving up a part of your heart to leave them. And they use every manipulation in the book to get you to stay.
On the surface narcissists can seem charming, intelligent, caring—knowing how to entice and lure their way back into your life. But once they reel you back they revert to their egotistical selves.
Their motto will always be “Me First!” Everything’s all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, crave admiration and attention…Narcissists are so dangerous because they lack empathy, have a limited capacity for unconditional love. Sadly, their hearts either haven’t developed or have been shut down due to early psychic trauma, such as being raised by narcissistic parents, a crippling handicap both emotionally and spiritually. Hard as it may be to comprehend, these people have little insight into their actions, nor do they regret them.”
There are various types of narcissist personality disorder – the two main ones are:
- Overt narcissists – this is the more obvious one and they tend to be self-centred, me-first attitude, need a lot of attention, often overly focused on ca-reer and material gains
- Covert narcissists – this type of narcissist can be shy / more vulnerable, may be introverted and can come across as very charming and likeable
Criteria associated with narcissists can include –
- Have a grandiose sense of self and tend to exaggerate achievements and see themselves as superior to others
- Preoccupied with fantasies and delusions – of unlimited success, power, bril-liance or ideal love
- Believes that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by other special / unique high-status individuals or institutions
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement – unreasonable expectations / expect especially favourable treatment / automatic compliance with his / her expectations
- They are serial liars, cheaters and thieves (note that it can take time for these behaviours to surface as they are likely to be on their best behaviour in the early stages of dating and getting to know someone)
- They intentionally exploit others
- They lack empathy
- Are unwilling to / unable to identify with the feelings / needs of others
- Often envious of others and believe that others are envious of them
- Have very arrogant behaviours / attitudes
- May be overly focused on their appearance and body (somatic narcissist)
- Cerebral narcissist – overly concerned with intelligence, IQ and their ego is fed from intellect
- I would add to this the Spiritual narcissist – seeing themselves as a “guru” and exploit their self-imposed position of power to manipulate, control or even abuse others
Therapy and medication will not help a narcissist. They are not likely to go to therapy as they do not see themselves as having a “problem”.
As they age, they get worse, as they get better at lying and manipulating others.
For more info on Narcissistic personality disorder and clinical diagnosis, please refer to the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM) book.
It can feel like a black pit of giving, in that nothing you give or do is ever enough. They can live a parasitic existence, going from one partner to another, to see what they can get from that person. They may even have more than one partner at a time that they are treating in these ways.
One of my clients was so alert to the typically overt narcissistic behaviours she experienced with her ex-partner (alpha male, overbearing, selfish, bossy etc) that a “covert” narcissist snuck under the radar without her even realising. He was very shy, quiet and gentle and came across as a nice guy and very likeable. However, over time, behaviours began to surface including lying, cheating, very poor financial management (running up debt) as well as alcohol and drug addiction (other addictions may also apply with narcissists, such as gambling, sex addiction including porn and S&M etc) as well as playing the victim and making up bizarre far-fetched stories.
With awareness comes the ability to make more informed choices.
About Ingrid
Ingrid combines her coaching expertise and spiritual wisdom with compassion and sensitivity to support people to transform pain into power.
Ingrid separated from an abusive partner and healed from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and serious illness whilst navigating life as a single parent. She learned first-hand how important it is to process and heal from deep hurt, betrayal and the emotional pain associated with a relationship/marriage breakdown.
It was her life experience and emotional wounds that led her to train in world-leading energy healing techniques to heal her sacred wounds and create lasting healing and empowerment in her own life and then in the lives of her clients.
Ingrid developed her own Forgiveness Process, as featured in her book Divine Love – from soulmate lessons to twin flame reunion, as well as her own Emotional Equilibrium healing process
